stress dreams and gut punches

i feel like i've already written about the dream part,
but you'll get it again
and you'll like it...

you know that stress dream
that's always referred to in movies or tv???
the one where you show up to school
or work
naked???
my stress dream is always
that i show up to school,
always westhampton beach high school,
and i can't remember my locker combination...
and i have to go to the office
and get someone to help me...
and it's always the janitor
from my elementary school
in texas that helps me...
i haven't had a locker for anything since
my high school days...
so now that i'm a gym member,
that just sounds weird,
i have a lock that i take with me
so that i can put all my important
belongings in a locker while i'm there...
you know - my phone and gum...
anyway...
there i sit talking with the trainer yesterday
and all i can think of is my lock combination...
O
M
G
my stress dream is going to play itself out in real life...
the first time i've been in this gym
and i'm gonna need the janitor from
my elementary school to cut the lock off...
i just keep repeating the combo in my head...
i'm great with numbers but
i'm so afraid that i'll forget...
and then there's another number in front of me...
43%...
jason,
little trainer boy,
has just measured by body fat...
holy crap on a cracker...
did someone just punch me???
it's bad...
it's real bad...
i knew...
how could i not...
that's why i'm here...
but to see it defined by a number...
in black and white...
while some cute boy looks at me
and says - yeah we gotta fix that...
well...
IT
IS
ON

it must be my new socks...

"necessity is the mother of invention"

i have reinvented myself many times
over my 36 years...
nothing dramatic...
just moving from michigan
to texas
to new york
to cleveland
to morehead
back to cleveland
back to new york
to lexington -
where i've lived
in or around
since i was 19...
holy cow
i've lived here for almost half of my life!!!
anyway
like i said
nothing dramatic...
just the adjustment
to a different culture...
and here i am again...
knocking on that door...
for the past year and a half
i've been straddling that line...
old jess on one side
new jess on the other
teetering back and forth...
but recently i've come to the conclusion
that it's time for me to pick a side...
old or new???
which one do you think i've chosen???
here's some hints:
i ate a salad for lunch
and have a bag full of fruit at work...
i went to a party last night
and didn't drink
and was home and in bed by 9:30...
i am the proud owner of a
brand new gym membership...
i have a meeting with a trainer this
afternoon to help get me on my way...
but the best part of all of this
is that i'm excited about every step of the way...
don't get me wrong -
i love the old jess...
the old jess was easy...
if i could make it through the day
i was rewarded with beers
oh - lots and lots of beers...
and fried stuff with cheese...
and pizza rolls...
and anything else you can possibly think of...
the old jess was fun...
i was ALWAYS down for a night
or day
of drinking and eating all of the above...
work
drink
eat
sleep
lather
rinse
repeat
life is easy when you don't challenge yourself to be
any better than you were when you woke up...
well
i'm done with easy...
i want to be better...
for hk...
for our families...
for all those sweet little loves
that i want to watch grow up...
and actually be a part of it...
but most of all for me...
i've stalled out...
right where i am right now...
but now
now it's on!!!

a friday night

instead of
hand stamps from clubs
and
waffle house menus
at 3 am

it's now
hand stamps from the
kentucky school for the deaf
girl's basketball game
and
o'charley's menus
at 9 pm...

and i wouldn't change it
for anything...

trees...

this is the type of thing i think about when i'm running

when it's cold

and dark

and rainy

or hot

and bright

and sunny

things like this roll around in my head

over and over and over

again...

sometimes for weeks...

until i finally get it out...

and then it's gone...

 

 

a summer tree gathers

all of your secrets

and keeps them safe within

while a winter tree

holds no loyalty

and shares them with the world

 

lost and found : found edition

somehow
in the middle of my run
standing in the rain
trying to catch my breath
shivering from the cold
i found my christmas spirit...
as i touched his tombstone
and said merry christmas
i found my christmas spirit...
well, in whoville
they say
my small heart
grew three sizes that day... :)
so once again
i found something
partially through my run
when i needed it most...
and
i finished my run with a smile
and a pep in my step...
and
And
AND -
are you ready for this HK???
i drove home listening to mixmas...
can you believe it???

sleeping with darth vader

dad always said

"if it's worth doing

it's worth doing right"

which of the following do you think my doctor

said to me at my follow up appointment:

A) you would win a gold medal at the sleep apnea olympics

B) you have state fair level sleep apnea

C) i would not get into a car with you driving for fear that you would fall asleep

D) all of the above

E) none of the above

the answer is "D"

the first two things are kinda boring...

when i dream and my body position...

and i have no idea what the last one is...

#3 - apnea-hypopnea

all those red marks are where i was either

having difficulty breathing

or

was not breathing at all

#4 - oxygen saturation

the green line should be fairly straight throughout

and above 90

there are times when it dips to 85

#5 - microarousal

this is my brain waking me up

as my doctor put it

"this isn't your brain saying very sweetly

jess...  jess...  please wake up and breathe...

this is your brain screaming

WAKE UP DAMNIT!!!"

can you tell at which point in the night

the tech put the cpap mask on me???

i stop breathing

and 

my brain wakes me up (thankfully)

on average

every 30 seconds a night

well no wonder i can fall asleep while jogging...

got my cpap machine yesterday...

let me tell you - 

i am one sexy mofo with it on...

i don't know how heather's going

to keep her hands off me...

i walked out of the bathroom

and

pete growled at me until i said his name...

then he wagged his tail

and

said "sorry mom...  but you look like an idiot"...

maddie took off out of the room...

took her a bit to get used to it...

me too...

i don't think i woke up as often as i used to...

but i still woke up a few times...

i'll have to spend some more time adjusting the straps and such...

but i think i got better sleep...

which is the plan...

ps: all doctor's quotes are actual doctor's quotes...  i did not exaggerate for the sake of a better story...  he's just that cool... 

sleepy time

i've been told that i stop breathing in my sleep...
but
i never thought much about it...
i never noticed anything different in my regular
day to day stuff...
but
these past 6-8 months have been different...
heather tells me i snore
and
that i stop breathing a lot through the night
and
i wake up in the middle of the night
gasping for breath
and
i have almost fallen asleep at my desk
and
sitting at stop lights
and
anywhere else you can imagine...
i am constantly tired...
my memory is crap...
i'm moody...
i'm irritable...
you can ask heather about these last two :)
i've been sick more in these past 6-8 months
than i have been in the past 3 years...
so i went to a sleep clinic dr guy...
had the initial appt last week
and
he pretty much said i have sleep apnea...
kinda figured...
went in saturday for an overnight sleep study...
let me just tell you how weird it is to
drive to lexington at 8:30 on a saturday night
with your pillow and your sleepy time clothes
and
walk into a doctor's office
and
sit next to an old guy in his sweatpants...
lady took me back to what would be my room for the night...

party time

she hooked all this up to me...
some on my legs to see how often i kicked my legs...
a band around my stomach and chest to record my breathing...
a pulse oximeter thingy on my finger to measure the oxygen in my blood...
sensors to the side of my eye to measure my eye movement
and
to show when i've reached rem...
sensors on my chin to show - hell i don't know...
some tube up my nose just to be mean i think...
and crap all over my head...
i wanted to take a picture of it all once it was on
but
i was afraid to move too much...
so she hooked me up to the machines
and
wished me sweet dreams...
and
i fell asleep pretty easily...
i usually do...
she came in once because my ekg thing had come off...
oh yeah -
i had two sensors on my chest for the ekg...
i called her once because i had to piddle...
that was interesting with all that jazz hooked up to me...
and
i tossed
and
i turned
just like any other night...
she came in at 1 am with a cpap mask...
she said
"we're gonna put this mask on you for the rest of the night
and
try to get you some sleep...
because sweet dear, you don't sleep"...
psha
i know...
that's why i'm here...
took a little bit to get used the mask...
and
of course
once she leaves
and
it's dark
and
i'm alone
the fear of dying with this stupid mask
suction cupped to face pops into my head...
pushed that away
and
the next thing i know
she's coming in to wake me up...
what time is it?
6 am
what time did you put the mask on me?
1 am
i don't think i woke up once in between
nope, you sure didn't...
so there it is...
i have sleep apnea...
i will be sleeping with a cpap mask...
BUT
it's my enormous tonsils that are causing the issue...
and my weight...
they are conspiring against me...
AND
here's the good thing...
according to what i have read and understood
fat people get sleep apnea...
sleep apnea causes you to gain weight
and
it's hard to lose weight...
catch 22...
so once i get this mask
i'll be getting good sleep...
i'll continue to lose weight...
my energy will be back up...
i'll continue to lose weight...
i won't be sick every other week...
i'll continue to lose weight
i'll start running again because i'll have energy...
i'll continue to lose more weight...
i'll get my tonsils out...
i'll get rid of that machine...
and i'll be as awesome as i ever was...
that's the plan anyway...

Sweet Dreams zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz