trees...

this is the type of thing i think about when i'm running

when it's cold

and dark

and rainy

or hot

and bright

and sunny

things like this roll around in my head

over and over and over

again...

sometimes for weeks...

until i finally get it out...

and then it's gone...

 

 

a summer tree gathers

all of your secrets

and keeps them safe within

while a winter tree

holds no loyalty

and shares them with the world

 

lost and found : found edition

somehow
in the middle of my run
standing in the rain
trying to catch my breath
shivering from the cold
i found my christmas spirit...
as i touched his tombstone
and said merry christmas
i found my christmas spirit...
well, in whoville
they say
my small heart
grew three sizes that day... :)
so once again
i found something
partially through my run
when i needed it most...
and
i finished my run with a smile
and a pep in my step...
and
And
AND -
are you ready for this HK???
i drove home listening to mixmas...
can you believe it???

sleeping with darth vader

dad always said

"if it's worth doing

it's worth doing right"

which of the following do you think my doctor

said to me at my follow up appointment:

A) you would win a gold medal at the sleep apnea olympics

B) you have state fair level sleep apnea

C) i would not get into a car with you driving for fear that you would fall asleep

D) all of the above

E) none of the above

the answer is "D"

the first two things are kinda boring...

when i dream and my body position...

and i have no idea what the last one is...

#3 - apnea-hypopnea

all those red marks are where i was either

having difficulty breathing

or

was not breathing at all

#4 - oxygen saturation

the green line should be fairly straight throughout

and above 90

there are times when it dips to 85

#5 - microarousal

this is my brain waking me up

as my doctor put it

"this isn't your brain saying very sweetly

jess...  jess...  please wake up and breathe...

this is your brain screaming

WAKE UP DAMNIT!!!"

can you tell at which point in the night

the tech put the cpap mask on me???

i stop breathing

and 

my brain wakes me up (thankfully)

on average

every 30 seconds a night

well no wonder i can fall asleep while jogging...

got my cpap machine yesterday...

let me tell you - 

i am one sexy mofo with it on...

i don't know how heather's going

to keep her hands off me...

i walked out of the bathroom

and

pete growled at me until i said his name...

then he wagged his tail

and

said "sorry mom...  but you look like an idiot"...

maddie took off out of the room...

took her a bit to get used to it...

me too...

i don't think i woke up as often as i used to...

but i still woke up a few times...

i'll have to spend some more time adjusting the straps and such...

but i think i got better sleep...

which is the plan...

ps: all doctor's quotes are actual doctor's quotes...  i did not exaggerate for the sake of a better story...  he's just that cool... 

sleepy time

i've been told that i stop breathing in my sleep...
but
i never thought much about it...
i never noticed anything different in my regular
day to day stuff...
but
these past 6-8 months have been different...
heather tells me i snore
and
that i stop breathing a lot through the night
and
i wake up in the middle of the night
gasping for breath
and
i have almost fallen asleep at my desk
and
sitting at stop lights
and
anywhere else you can imagine...
i am constantly tired...
my memory is crap...
i'm moody...
i'm irritable...
you can ask heather about these last two :)
i've been sick more in these past 6-8 months
than i have been in the past 3 years...
so i went to a sleep clinic dr guy...
had the initial appt last week
and
he pretty much said i have sleep apnea...
kinda figured...
went in saturday for an overnight sleep study...
let me just tell you how weird it is to
drive to lexington at 8:30 on a saturday night
with your pillow and your sleepy time clothes
and
walk into a doctor's office
and
sit next to an old guy in his sweatpants...
lady took me back to what would be my room for the night...

party time

she hooked all this up to me...
some on my legs to see how often i kicked my legs...
a band around my stomach and chest to record my breathing...
a pulse oximeter thingy on my finger to measure the oxygen in my blood...
sensors to the side of my eye to measure my eye movement
and
to show when i've reached rem...
sensors on my chin to show - hell i don't know...
some tube up my nose just to be mean i think...
and crap all over my head...
i wanted to take a picture of it all once it was on
but
i was afraid to move too much...
so she hooked me up to the machines
and
wished me sweet dreams...
and
i fell asleep pretty easily...
i usually do...
she came in once because my ekg thing had come off...
oh yeah -
i had two sensors on my chest for the ekg...
i called her once because i had to piddle...
that was interesting with all that jazz hooked up to me...
and
i tossed
and
i turned
just like any other night...
she came in at 1 am with a cpap mask...
she said
"we're gonna put this mask on you for the rest of the night
and
try to get you some sleep...
because sweet dear, you don't sleep"...
psha
i know...
that's why i'm here...
took a little bit to get used the mask...
and
of course
once she leaves
and
it's dark
and
i'm alone
the fear of dying with this stupid mask
suction cupped to face pops into my head...
pushed that away
and
the next thing i know
she's coming in to wake me up...
what time is it?
6 am
what time did you put the mask on me?
1 am
i don't think i woke up once in between
nope, you sure didn't...
so there it is...
i have sleep apnea...
i will be sleeping with a cpap mask...
BUT
it's my enormous tonsils that are causing the issue...
and my weight...
they are conspiring against me...
AND
here's the good thing...
according to what i have read and understood
fat people get sleep apnea...
sleep apnea causes you to gain weight
and
it's hard to lose weight...
catch 22...
so once i get this mask
i'll be getting good sleep...
i'll continue to lose weight...
my energy will be back up...
i'll continue to lose weight...
i won't be sick every other week...
i'll continue to lose weight
i'll start running again because i'll have energy...
i'll continue to lose more weight...
i'll get my tonsils out...
i'll get rid of that machine...
and i'll be as awesome as i ever was...
that's the plan anyway...

Sweet Dreams zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

week 4 day 1

news and notes from
week 4
day 1

this week's playlist from
kiss my black ass
is all michael jackson
so i finished my run
doing the moonwalk
sorry about the crotch grab at the end
had to be done...

i saw the dog i named roger
this time in the daylight
still don't know if it's
roger
or
rogerina
big beautiful golden retriever
i'm sticking with roger
roger lives on the corner
doesn't care when i run past one side of his house
but gets really mad at me when i run past the other side
but either roger is really well behaved
or there's an invisible fence
i'm guessing fence

i met frank the pug
from men in black

he doesn't wear the suit at home
he doesn't really speak english either
he just barks at people as they run by

i met one of the hyenas from
the lion king

don't know which one though
or at least a hideous looking dog that looked like them

but in all seriousness
today was a big run for me
i didn't make it this far
the last time i tried couch to 5k
run 3 minutes
walk 1.5 minutes
run 5 minutes
walk 2.5 minutes
run 3 minutes
walk 1.5 minutes
run 5 minutes
this one was tough
the last 5 minute run
was hard
my legs felt like jello
with weights floating in the middle
i was THIS close to quitting
but
i didn't
i finished
and i'm not afraid to say
that i've never been more proud of myself
these runs may not seem like much
but for someone who has been a smoker for half of their life
hey - it's been 225 days since my last cigarette
YAY ME!!!
and is overweight
and is was lazy
this is a big deal
and i feel amazing!!!

blonde lady

thanks to the
ahem
"blonde" lady that was checking her mail
right at the very end of my run
when i thought i was going to burst into flames
"it's too hot out here for that"
i responded with a quick
"yeah"
meaning
shut up lady
but then she finished it up with
"but good for you...  keep it up"
finished the end of my run
with a little more pep in my step

thanks lady...

3 things

**** F BOMB WARNING****

my run schedule has been all
jacked up lately
i have recently won the battle
with pink eye and some
sort of sinus infection
so i started week 3 tonight
this is the run
the one that got me last time around
the one that broke me down
that beat me
that won
but tonight
there were three things that i kept in my head
that kept me going
that helped me run
that helped me win

eminem's lose yourself
mom
dad

"this world's mine for the taking"

friday it will be 10 years since
my mom died

"success is my only motherfucking option, failure's not"

sunday it will be 1 year since
my dad died

"feet fail me not"

i miss them so much
i hope that i am the best part of them
my parents
not eminem
but thinking about them
and hoping that they are proud of me
keeps me going...

look how stinking cute