while enjoying a beer with my dad...
on friday
i sat in an
uncomfortable chair while
a middle aged man said
"you have cancer"...
not cool man...
my heart,
my stomach,
my everything,
it all dropped to my feet...
i have never felt so
alone...
so far away from
everything
and
everyone
i know and love...
i don't think it
really hit me,
i mean
REALLY
hit me until this morning...
getting ready for lunch
with johnny...
and all i kept thinking
was
"i have cancer"
even at it's
simplest level...
even though it was
caught early...
that man still said it...
damnit...
have you ever said
the same word
or phrase
over and over and over
again???
until it sounded
like nonsense???
say water 20 times...
by 19 or 20
it sounds like
a made up word...
nonsense...
i thought if
i kept repeating it,
i have cancer
i have cancer
i have cancer,
that it would
become nonsense...
it would become
made up...
but all it did
was make it
more
real...
standing in the bathroom,
looking myself
square in the eye,
saying it
over and over and over
again...
this is real...
my name is jess
and
i have cancer...
for now...
Jess You can Beat it! We're all pulling for you. Don't EVER STOP FIGHTING! You Can do it!
ReplyDeleteLove Ya Deb & Bob.
I've been thinking about your since your post last week and hugs and prayers can't be strong enough after reading this!
ReplyDeleteCancer sucks. End of story. Catching it early or catching it too late, doesn't matter. I'm reminded of this every 3 months when I see my oncologist. I'm sure you're hearing from tons of people right now with tons of advice and encouragement. I'll add that I don't think you'll beat this, I KNOW you will. I'll also tell you that YOU determine what cancer takes from you. It can't take your joy, your hope, your smile, your determination, your will to fight, your love, your generosity, your ability to care, or anything else without your permission. Attitude is more than half the battle and is the easiest part to fight. Hold your head high, smile, be happy about the little things you can celebrate in life, and don't let cancer win the pieces of your life that you OWN. I love you and am thinking of you!