Tuesday, February 17, 2015


it’s probably some sort of natural reflex.
everything he does right now is
a natural reflex.
survival mode.
so it’s probably just that.
something to keep the pterodactyls
from eating his thumb.
this way ensuring evolution.

my mom once told me
that ever since i was
a wee little one
i would tuck my thumb into my fist to sleep.
and as i grew older
she could always tell when i was tired,
even before the tell tale signs,
because i would tuck that thumb.
i actually still do it when i sleep.
and on those nights when i can’t sleep,
i make a conscious effort
to make the fist,
tuck my thumb
and wander off into sleep
thinking about my mom.

after reading shane a story about his belly button
i looked down at my son

as he was fighting off the
wooly mammoths
i smiled.
knowing a little bit of my mom
came into the moment with us.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

where do babies come from?

it was 4:15am
saturday morning

i just assumed i was snoring
“SW (social worker) texted
they are at the hospital”

i was UP
and OUT
of that bed faster than dick van dyke
when ritchie was born

running around our little baby bungalow
like a crazy person
then i hear HK talking to someone
she had texted SW back
and SW called us back

i stop moving
dead in my tracks
not sure how because
i was ready to RUN to the hospital

i could tell from HK’s part of the conversation
that it wasn’t time for us to go
so i calmed down
i tried to calm down

“FM is 5 centimeters”
“water hasn’t broken”
“checking her again in a little bit”
“SW will call back around 8”
“said we should try to get some sleep”

yeah right

so i made some coffee
and we made a plan
we were going to shower
pack bags
for us and shane

go to the good egg for a nice breakfast
stop by target to get HK some sleepy time pants
and by then we should get the call
to head to the hospital

HK’s phone rings again
“taking FM in for a c-section”
“don’t know why yet”
“there are some breathing problems with the baby”
“be here within the next two hours”


new plan

HK showers
i shower
bags packed
we’ll just get mcdonald’s or something on the way
and get something to hold us over

i had to tell HK not to take the offramp at 70mph
so she slowed it down to 50
hazards on
running red lights
we are at the hospital within the hour
skidding into the parking garage
on two wheels
going in the out driveway

the garage ticket said

HK and i grab bags
and RUN
as fast as we can
across the hospital campus
asking strangers
“where’s labor and delivery?”

i bet we were quite the sight to see
i felt like we were on amazing race

finally make it into the building
waiting for the elevator
come on
come on
come on

telling more random strangers
“we’re adopting”
trying to catch our breath

make it to labor and delivery
“can we go back?”
“how’s FM?”
“what is going on?”

doctor and SW come out
“shane is transverse” (trying to come out sideways)
“we tried to flip him ‘manually”
“that didn’t work”
“his heart tone was dropping”
“took FM back for c-section”
“his heart tone came back up”
“we were able to flip him manually this time”
“broke her water”
“only one of you can be back there when it’s time”
(HK and i had already decided that she would go back.
that she would be better for FM)
“waiting for labor”
“probably be a vaginal birth after all”

nurse lady takes us into a waiting room
they still won’t let us back to see FM
so HK, our SW and FM’s SW (you follow all that)
pile up in the corner of a waiting room
thinking we might be here a while
that’s at least the way the dr made us feel

nurse comes flying into the waiting room
“come on”
“you’re gonna miss it”
HK and nurse are gone
we grab the rest of the stuff
and run out into the hallway
trying to stare through the little windows
down the long hallway
somewhere down there is
and my son

they made me go back into the waiting room
something about stupid patient privacy
hippa mumbo jumbo

i gotta move
i gotta sneak a peak
so i tell the SWs
“i’m going to the restroom”
“i better go now since they just took HK back”

i step out of the waiting room
look to the right
through the doors
down the long hallway
and what do i see?

HK dressed in her surgical garb
nurse lady wheeling a bassinet

that’s my son
that’s my shaner in there

it takes them FOREVER to walk that
long hallway to me
but then
all of a sudden
the doors open
and i see my son for the first time
and i hear him scream for the first time
(definitely not the last)

10 toes

10 fingers

1 teeny weeny little penis

they ended up doing a c-section
shane’s heart tone had dropped again
by the time they got HK into her surgical garb
and into the operating room
they had already taken him out
and were cleaning him off
so at 6:44am
on saturday january 31st
this magical 7lb 10oz
21 ½ inch
poop machine came into this world

he’s here
he’s perfect
and if coleson jay taught me love at first sight

shane patrick just reinforced that

Friday, January 23, 2015

the dress...

hk: “what took you so long to turn around after i tapped you on your shoulder?”
me: “i had to catch my breath.”
staring at my brother
wishing i had brought a deck of cards
then all of a sudden

“she’s ready!”
“where’s jess?”
“she wants you at the bar, drinking a beer.”

“thank god – i at least get to have a beer.”
i ordered the first beer i saw behind the bar
“sam adams boston lager please.”
“is this where i need to be?”
“right here?”
“is this good?”
standing with my back to the end of the bar,
looking up at some random basketball game on the tv.
i had to stop myself from downing my beer in one big gulp.
it gets quiet behind me.
my heart starts pounding.
i hear shuffling of feet.
my palms are sweaty.
it gets quiet behind me again.

my hands are shaking.
don’t drop the beer.
just wait,
she’ll come to you.

i can’t breathe.
don’t pass out .
just wait,
she’ll come to you.

my legs are wobbly.
don’t fall.
just wait,
she’ll come to you.

just wait,
she’ll come to you.

on my shoulder.

i close my eyes.
breathe in slowly.
breathe out slowly.
open my eyes.
breathe in slowly.
breathe out slowly.

set the beer on the bar.
don’t drop it.

talk my feet into working to turn around.
don’t fall.

one last breath in.
one last breath out.
i see my bride in her dress for the first time.
i think i might have blacked out for a quick second.
“can i touch you?”
that’s really all i remember saying.
i was overwhelmed with emotion.
words were there
in my brain,
swirling around,
bumping into each other.
but i couldn’t make sense of any of them.
all those people around us but
in this moment
hk and i were the only people on earth.
i’ve never stood so close
to so much beauty.
is this real life?
is this my wife?
i’d built this moment up in my head
and in my heart
and then,

i just waited
and she came to me.
in her magic dress…

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

11 days

dear fallon jade

we never officially met,
although you have been on my mind
for the past 12 days…
i fell asleep last night,
like i’m sure so many others did,
with tears in my eyes
thinking about how hard you fought
to stay here…
thinking about your mommy and daddy…
thinking about avery and harper…
i woke up this morning with you
on my mind…

i’m not really sure what i believe
as far as where we go when we die…
i’d like to think that you are in the arms
of family and friends that have gone before you…
maybe a great grandfather
or a great great great aunt…
maybe you are curled up in front of a fire
with a dog your dad had as a child…
maybe you are watching the giants
FINALLY win this season…
did you have something to do with that???

during your short time here
you affected a lot of people…
all over the place…
including me…
although we haven’t met,
i’ll carry your memory with me forever…
with the hope that one day we'll be able to meet
and we'll have all the time in the world...
because 11 days was just not long enough...

Thursday, September 19, 2013

another trip around

it's easy to get caught up in the
day to day of our lives...
whatever it is...

it's also easy to sit and think
about what we don't have...
i know i've become victim to it...
there are certain days,
like yesterday,
that could have crippled me...
if i let it...

on the way to the pub yesterday,
for my birthday eve beer,
i couldn't help but think of
my parents...
and how i miss them...
how i'll never hear the story of
me being born
in my dad's voice again...
how i'll never see my mom
standing beside him smiling
as he stands up to act out the
"drunken paying of the nun"...
and that sucks...
but you know what???
i can't change that...
so i've decided that
rather than focusing on what i don't have
all my attention will be on what
i do have...

like the BGE who sends me selfies from the target bathroom...
sorry hk... :)

fall ball y'all...  with the birthday boy under the lights...

batman...  protecting the world from evil with his most awesome hair...

superman...  he'll protect the world tomorrow...  right now he's tired...

family...  not really sure how only my head is in this pic...  i do have legs...  i swear...

and that was all just yesterday...
today is yet another awesome day and
there's so much more that i'm thankful for...

Monday, August 12, 2013

warrior dash

so i did the warrior dash on saturday...

driving in

super jess

pre dash warriors

pre mud pit of death

mud bath with the dusings

mud pit

under the barbed wire

oh my god i'm gonna die

super jess down

would not have made it without matt, brad and amy

kiki was a beast

the dusings

cargo net bruise saturday

cargo net bruise monday

i knew going in
that i wasn't going to be able to complete
all of the obstacles...
but i told myself that i would make
that decision when i got to them...
i didn't want to talk myself out of anything
before i even saw it...
i didn't do the great warrior wall
the giant cliffhanger...
which were wall climbs with ropes...
i know i don't have the upper body 
for that...
i watched amy do the giant cliffhanger,
which is a slanted wall climb
with a rope
and slats for your feet that were 
probably about 5 feet apart...
up one side
down the other...
she was a beast 
and i was so proud of her...

i also didn't do the mud mounds...
it was the fourth obstacle...
i knew that climbing over those
mounds of mud
and carrying all that mud 
on me and my clothes
for the rest of the dash
would wear me down too quickly...

i made it only halfway across
the sideways cargo net...
i caught my arm right before
i fell and 
that's where the lovely
bruise above came from...
i was feeling a little down
about myself at that point...
feeling like i wasn't doing
everything as well as i thought
i could...
or should...
but brad came back to get me saying,
halfway's better than not at all...
and with a little fist bump
we were back on the trail...

couple more obstacles...
and then here comes
the end... 
muddy mayhem...
as i like to refer to it
the mud pit of death...
jumping in was kind of fun...
a big mud bath...
crawling hands and knees
through soupy nasty muddiness...
the farther i got
the thicker the mud got...
almost a peanut butter consistency...
and i understood how people die in quicksand...
this was the part where i was
physically exhausted...
but i didn't give up...
i couldn't give up...
this part,
this mud,
this was the hardest part of the
whole thing...
but i dug deep
and with a little help from the dusings
and hearing my hk cheering for me,
i made it up and out...
i crossed the finish line...
got my medal...
and collapsed...

it was absolutely
the hardest 
most physically 
challenging thing
i have ever done in my life...
and as i was complaining to 
my friend tyler about it
he said to me,
"that's why you did it"...
and he was right...
i challenged myself...
and even though i didn't do as
well as i wanted to do,
i did it...
it was definitely an experience
i'll never forget and i'm
glad i did it...
but i'm not sure if i'll do it again...

stay tuned for the story of
having to strip down in the parking lot
hosing off naked in the backyard...

Friday, July 26, 2013


i was supposed to go to the gym this morning...
i didn't make it
and here's why,
in my own
roundabout way...

most mornings
when that alarm goes off
my body is up and ready to go...
but my mind???
well that's another story...
my mind tells me
to pull the covers over my head...
to cuddle up to hk...
just go back to sleep...

but eventually my body wins...
my body talks my mind
into dragging my sorry ass
out of bed
and into the gym...
and my mind is thankful
for it... 

but this morning
my body revolted...
my mind was ready...
but my body was not...
i was sore...
i was stiff...
i did some strength training monday...
i ran 36 minutes straight tuesday...
i did a 50 minute spin class wednesday...
i did even more intense strength training thursday...
my body said
"aw hell no"
and if I have learned anything
during this evolution,
it's that you 
listen to your body...
so i got an extra
hour and a half of sleep...
and my body is thankful
that i listened to my mind...

they sometimes disagree,
my mind and body...
but when push comes to shove,
they know what's right...

i just need to listen to the right one...