trees...

this is the type of thing i think about when i'm running

when it's cold

and dark

and rainy

or hot

and bright

and sunny

things like this roll around in my head

over and over and over

again...

sometimes for weeks...

until i finally get it out...

and then it's gone...

 

 

a summer tree gathers

all of your secrets

and keeps them safe within

while a winter tree

holds no loyalty

and shares them with the world

 

lost and found : found edition

somehow
in the middle of my run
standing in the rain
trying to catch my breath
shivering from the cold
i found my christmas spirit...
as i touched his tombstone
and said merry christmas
i found my christmas spirit...
well, in whoville
they say
my small heart
grew three sizes that day... :)
so once again
i found something
partially through my run
when i needed it most...
and
i finished my run with a smile
and a pep in my step...
and
And
AND -
are you ready for this HK???
i drove home listening to mixmas...
can you believe it???

sleeping with darth vader

dad always said

"if it's worth doing

it's worth doing right"

which of the following do you think my doctor

said to me at my follow up appointment:

A) you would win a gold medal at the sleep apnea olympics

B) you have state fair level sleep apnea

C) i would not get into a car with you driving for fear that you would fall asleep

D) all of the above

E) none of the above

the answer is "D"

the first two things are kinda boring...

when i dream and my body position...

and i have no idea what the last one is...

#3 - apnea-hypopnea

all those red marks are where i was either

having difficulty breathing

or

was not breathing at all

#4 - oxygen saturation

the green line should be fairly straight throughout

and above 90

there are times when it dips to 85

#5 - microarousal

this is my brain waking me up

as my doctor put it

"this isn't your brain saying very sweetly

jess...  jess...  please wake up and breathe...

this is your brain screaming

WAKE UP DAMNIT!!!"

can you tell at which point in the night

the tech put the cpap mask on me???

i stop breathing

and 

my brain wakes me up (thankfully)

on average

every 30 seconds a night

well no wonder i can fall asleep while jogging...

got my cpap machine yesterday...

let me tell you - 

i am one sexy mofo with it on...

i don't know how heather's going

to keep her hands off me...

i walked out of the bathroom

and

pete growled at me until i said his name...

then he wagged his tail

and

said "sorry mom...  but you look like an idiot"...

maddie took off out of the room...

took her a bit to get used to it...

me too...

i don't think i woke up as often as i used to...

but i still woke up a few times...

i'll have to spend some more time adjusting the straps and such...

but i think i got better sleep...

which is the plan...

ps: all doctor's quotes are actual doctor's quotes...  i did not exaggerate for the sake of a better story...  he's just that cool... 

sleepy time

i've been told that i stop breathing in my sleep...
but
i never thought much about it...
i never noticed anything different in my regular
day to day stuff...
but
these past 6-8 months have been different...
heather tells me i snore
and
that i stop breathing a lot through the night
and
i wake up in the middle of the night
gasping for breath
and
i have almost fallen asleep at my desk
and
sitting at stop lights
and
anywhere else you can imagine...
i am constantly tired...
my memory is crap...
i'm moody...
i'm irritable...
you can ask heather about these last two :)
i've been sick more in these past 6-8 months
than i have been in the past 3 years...
so i went to a sleep clinic dr guy...
had the initial appt last week
and
he pretty much said i have sleep apnea...
kinda figured...
went in saturday for an overnight sleep study...
let me just tell you how weird it is to
drive to lexington at 8:30 on a saturday night
with your pillow and your sleepy time clothes
and
walk into a doctor's office
and
sit next to an old guy in his sweatpants...
lady took me back to what would be my room for the night...

party time

she hooked all this up to me...
some on my legs to see how often i kicked my legs...
a band around my stomach and chest to record my breathing...
a pulse oximeter thingy on my finger to measure the oxygen in my blood...
sensors to the side of my eye to measure my eye movement
and
to show when i've reached rem...
sensors on my chin to show - hell i don't know...
some tube up my nose just to be mean i think...
and crap all over my head...
i wanted to take a picture of it all once it was on
but
i was afraid to move too much...
so she hooked me up to the machines
and
wished me sweet dreams...
and
i fell asleep pretty easily...
i usually do...
she came in once because my ekg thing had come off...
oh yeah -
i had two sensors on my chest for the ekg...
i called her once because i had to piddle...
that was interesting with all that jazz hooked up to me...
and
i tossed
and
i turned
just like any other night...
she came in at 1 am with a cpap mask...
she said
"we're gonna put this mask on you for the rest of the night
and
try to get you some sleep...
because sweet dear, you don't sleep"...
psha
i know...
that's why i'm here...
took a little bit to get used the mask...
and
of course
once she leaves
and
it's dark
and
i'm alone
the fear of dying with this stupid mask
suction cupped to face pops into my head...
pushed that away
and
the next thing i know
she's coming in to wake me up...
what time is it?
6 am
what time did you put the mask on me?
1 am
i don't think i woke up once in between
nope, you sure didn't...
so there it is...
i have sleep apnea...
i will be sleeping with a cpap mask...
BUT
it's my enormous tonsils that are causing the issue...
and my weight...
they are conspiring against me...
AND
here's the good thing...
according to what i have read and understood
fat people get sleep apnea...
sleep apnea causes you to gain weight
and
it's hard to lose weight...
catch 22...
so once i get this mask
i'll be getting good sleep...
i'll continue to lose weight...
my energy will be back up...
i'll continue to lose weight...
i won't be sick every other week...
i'll continue to lose weight
i'll start running again because i'll have energy...
i'll continue to lose more weight...
i'll get my tonsils out...
i'll get rid of that machine...
and i'll be as awesome as i ever was...
that's the plan anyway...

Sweet Dreams zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

week 4 day 1

news and notes from
week 4
day 1

this week's playlist from
kiss my black ass
is all michael jackson
so i finished my run
doing the moonwalk
sorry about the crotch grab at the end
had to be done...

i saw the dog i named roger
this time in the daylight
still don't know if it's
roger
or
rogerina
big beautiful golden retriever
i'm sticking with roger
roger lives on the corner
doesn't care when i run past one side of his house
but gets really mad at me when i run past the other side
but either roger is really well behaved
or there's an invisible fence
i'm guessing fence

i met frank the pug
from men in black

he doesn't wear the suit at home
he doesn't really speak english either
he just barks at people as they run by

i met one of the hyenas from
the lion king

don't know which one though
or at least a hideous looking dog that looked like them

but in all seriousness
today was a big run for me
i didn't make it this far
the last time i tried couch to 5k
run 3 minutes
walk 1.5 minutes
run 5 minutes
walk 2.5 minutes
run 3 minutes
walk 1.5 minutes
run 5 minutes
this one was tough
the last 5 minute run
was hard
my legs felt like jello
with weights floating in the middle
i was THIS close to quitting
but
i didn't
i finished
and i'm not afraid to say
that i've never been more proud of myself
these runs may not seem like much
but for someone who has been a smoker for half of their life
hey - it's been 225 days since my last cigarette
YAY ME!!!
and is overweight
and is was lazy
this is a big deal
and i feel amazing!!!

blonde lady

thanks to the
ahem
"blonde" lady that was checking her mail
right at the very end of my run
when i thought i was going to burst into flames
"it's too hot out here for that"
i responded with a quick
"yeah"
meaning
shut up lady
but then she finished it up with
"but good for you...  keep it up"
finished the end of my run
with a little more pep in my step

thanks lady...

3 things

**** F BOMB WARNING****

my run schedule has been all
jacked up lately
i have recently won the battle
with pink eye and some
sort of sinus infection
so i started week 3 tonight
this is the run
the one that got me last time around
the one that broke me down
that beat me
that won
but tonight
there were three things that i kept in my head
that kept me going
that helped me run
that helped me win

eminem's lose yourself
mom
dad

"this world's mine for the taking"

friday it will be 10 years since
my mom died

"success is my only motherfucking option, failure's not"

sunday it will be 1 year since
my dad died

"feet fail me not"

i miss them so much
i hope that i am the best part of them
my parents
not eminem
but thinking about them
and hoping that they are proud of me
keeps me going...

look how stinking cute

i am that idiot

having a hard time finding making time to write
i have to get better about that

remember those friday nights
in the dead of summer
98 degrees
132% humidity
africa hot
driving down the road
in your air conditioned car
from your air conditioned house
to the air conditioned bar
to get a nice cold beer in an icy mug
and you'd see someone running
and you'd say
outloud
f*$%#&g idiot???
i remember

i am that idiot

heather's sisters and kids were in town this past weekend
(that's a whole other story for big rhonda's world )
i was scheduled to run saturday morning
there was no way i was going to be going to bed
early on a friday night
while the sisters and kids were in town
so i could get up and run early in the am
so i got home from work
did a quick turn around
and ran
and man was it hot
but man was it awesome
the thing that you don't know when you are driving down the road
is that idiot doesn't HAVE to be out there
they have chosen to be out there
which may make them an even bigger idiot in your eyes
but
the heat
the swamp ass
the sweat dripping in your eyes
the feeling that you could throw up
it's all worth it
when you think the heat is winning
that you just don't have it in you
when you put your head down and
JUST GO
then all of a sudden
you are done
you did it
and then
you can walk back into your air conditioned house...

i am that idiot
i've been called worse...

doctors and facebook

let me start this whole thing with this
i know on my other blog
yes
that's right
i'm a franchise
big rhonda's world
i said i was staying away from facebook
but
hk suggested that i at least
post links to this blog
she thought i might inspire someone
i don't know about all that
but really
it's for my own selfish reasons
because who doesn't love
hearing people say
good job
proud of you
keep up the good work
you can do it
just a few little words of encouragement can
help you power through the last minute of a difficult run
or make it alllllll the way to the top of that hill
plus
i like hearing other people's stories
so
i'll still be posting links to this here blog...

now that that is out of the way
went to the dr yesterday
she poked
and prodded
and pulled
and pushed
and twisted
does this hurt
does it hurt when i do this
      umm yeah a little
      you did just put my foot behind my head
but
she thinks that i just pulled something
she gave me some knee strengthening exercises
and said
RUN
she didn't really scream it
but in my head
it was RUN!!!
so my alarm went off at 5am this morning
and i
RAN!!!
i started over with the couch to 5k program
my knee feels great
i feel great
i am so excited to be back out there
and running

been eating healthy
been more active
been drinking less
no smoking since 01/01/12
now i can run

what else could a girl ask for
i am on top of the world right now!!!

broken

i've tried to keep this blog positive
which is why i haven't written in a while
and which is why this is going to be
short
and
to the point

friday morning
i jacked up my knee
it hurts
can't run
have an appointment
but it's not until
july
not happy
actually
pretty bummed about it
sometimes pissed
not running

food type stuff things

i've been trying all kinds of different things lately
things i didn't use to like
i used to make fun of some people for eating these things
now
here i am
not only eating them
but cooking them
and enjoying them
a lot
so here's a short list of some of the things i've tried
and
what i might think of them

on my running days
i really enjoy a big fat clif bar
after the run
i'm usually pretty hungry
not usually
i'm always hungry
hk suggested a protein bar
so we got a few different flavors of them
pretty darn good
i mean
they aren't a snickers bar
but for what they are
they are good

these little guys are a great snack
or addition to that meal where you say
"it's good but, it needs a little crunch"

like this pasta dish

i just made this for dinner
needed the additional crunch
and just a smidge less lemon juice
for my taste anyway
and
you can use any kind of pasta
and regular old mayo
or even add some tuna
or even chicken for a little something extra

it took a couple of bites to figure out if we
really did like it
but once we added the snap pea thingamajigs
it was perfect

and of course
these bad boys

but i would suggest

just bringing a small portion with you

and leaving the bag in the pantry

i don't know how i survived so long without these in my life

there's more but

right now

i'm gonna have hk stretch my legs out for me

she just doesn't know it yet

so i'm gonna post this

and

wait for her to smile when 

she reads this part...

a little late

i know i said i would be
up and about at 5:30 this am to run
oops
here's what happened
wednesday i don't have to work until 10:00
and hk leaves sometime around 5:40
so i didn't set an alarm
i always wake up when hk gets up
and sleep on and off while she gets ready
and am awake when she leaves
so i thought for sure
i'd be awake
oops
i woke up at 6:40
wondering why it was light in the bedroom
wondering why hk's alarm didn't go off
i don't remember her getting up
her getting ready
or
her leaving
oops
so i got a bit of a late start this morning
but that allowed me to see this

so after my horrible time monday
i started this run with as much positive attitude as i could muster
and focused on my breathing
i mean
really
FOCUSED
i walked my walks just a smidge slower
and ran my runs just a smidge slower
well not just a smidge
i slowed down quite a bit
i actually listened to my lungs
instead of just bullying my way through
but
i made it
the last three minutes were hell
but i focused my eyes on a spot in the distance
and told myself to just make it to that mailbox
or that driveway
or that little chihuahua that looks like one of the hyenas from
the lion king
and then when i did
i focused my eyes on another spot in the distance
where the grass goes from short to long
or that white mini van
or that dog that looks like pete from
the little rascals
rinse and repeat
but
i made it
i completed the whole damn thing
as good as i felt when i completed this
i can't wait for my 5k

memorial day weekend and such

monday being memorial day
hk and i went to see loyd

flowers courtesy of my brother's garden
thanks johnny

but
before we went to see loyd
it was time for a run
even on a day off
that alarm went off at
5:30
day 1
week 3
run 90 seconds
walk 90 seconds
run 3 minutes
walk 3 minutes
repeat
well
i made it through the first set
on the second
run of 90 seconds
my lungs quit on me
the rest of my body
was
ready
willing
and able
but my lungs couldn't hang
so i walked pretty much the rest of the way
pissed
because my body quit on me
because i let myself get this way
because i made myself this way
because i drank too much this weekend
because i ate too much crap this weekend
pissed at myself
but that's behind me
that's over
i can't change that
move on and fix it
so
i'm moving on
and
i'm fixing it
so i ate good and healthy yesterday
even went out to dinner and had a
SALAD
and only a salad
i know right
and yoga
yup
yoga's on the horizon
and today i actually said
i'm looking forward to it
it's even in print
it really happened
so tomorrow's a new day
the alarm will go off at 5:30
and i'll run
and i'll run
and i'll run
and if i think i'm gonna die
then i'll walk
but i know that each time i run
i'll make it a little bit farther than
the time before
because i'm not quitting
no matter how much my lungs and i
fight about it
i will win

oh
and here's what hk and i had for dinner tonight

this is the one i made
here's a link to the recipe
deliciousness
and
OH
EM
GEE
it was so stinking good
the only thing i would do different is
add some shredded carrot
for crunch
and
because i love carrots

now i relax
to get ready to kick running's ass tomorrow morning...

over the shoulder bolder holder

let's start with something we all know
i have tig o bitties
fat girls normally do
so i got a sports bra
just a regular one from the wal-marts
and started running while hk was on vacation
well
let's just say
i was still a little
floppy
so i mentioned it to hk
while on vacation
not too long after i got an email with this
bra
and it pretty much said
read the reviews
and
what size do you think you are
because i'm getting this for you
i responded with
i'm this size
but
$66
really
that's a lot
she said
but
you get what you pay for
i'm ordering it
well
it came in last night
so i of course had to try it on
that thing has 13
13
clasps on the front of it
it's like fort knox
it's a chastity bra
it was a little tight
but that's what the reviews all said
so i finished up with my chores around the house
and honestly
forgot that i was even wearing it
until i sat down
not comfy
not a lounging bra
so i took it off
much to my relief
ahhhhhh
and headed to bed
"the bras were hung by the back door with care
with hopes that black eyes would soon disappear"
set my alarm a little early
just to take the time to
strap myself into this thing
and headed out the back door
not without a kiss
and
a look from hk
and her saying
"those puppies are really smashed down in there"
and let me just say
boobs stayed flat
it was great
i totally forgot that i was even wearing it
it does come up a little high
and when i first put it on
it felt like i was putting on a bullet proof vest
swat team style
but once i got going
it was
AH-MAZING
so i end this blog about my boobs
with a big boob sized thank you to hk
for taking care of my ladies
and
me
you are my inspiration for everything
for quitting smoking
for not drinking so much
for eating healthier
for running
for wanting to be a better me
so that i can spend more time
with you
being happy
and
being in love
crazy
stupid
love

and to think that i saw it on mulberry street

what an absolutely beautiful morning to go running
it was about 55 degrees
foggy
sun was just barely up

it was a pretty damn good run
my legs don't hurt today
today
they feel like jello
weak
but at least they don't hurt

i have done this 5 days now
here's some of the fun stuff i have seen
imagine this being said in the voice of a little kid
because that's how i hear it in my own head

- a dog
i called him roger

- a spider
i didn't call him anything
i stayed away from him
he was big
and hairy
and just hanging out on the side of the road

- two yellow finches
not sure if they were
playing
fighting
or
ahem
something else that bees do also

- some garbage
a label off a bottle of water
i picked it up
why you ask
because i can't have this on my conscience

litter bug

- an old man
shuffling down his driveway to get the paper
it was towards the end of my run
so he was probably moving faster than i was

- spider web

i liked this one so much
that after my run
when i got back in my truck
i drove back here
just to snap some pics
i wonder where the owner was
i wonder if it was the same spider i saw the other day
the two spots weren't very far apart
well
to me they weren't
to a spider
they probably were
so it probably wasn't

ok
bye

week 2 day 1

started week 2 this morning
it was pretty darn good
once again
a little rough when i got to the very end
but still
persevered
feel good today
feel really good today

now let's talk food
i can already tell that weekends
shew
weekends are going to be my downfall difficult
i must find snacks
i must find healthy things
weekends are for working in the yard
and swimming drinking in the pool
both of which make me want to snack
and eat cheeseburgers
and chili dogs
and chips and dips
who wants celery when you can have
chili cheese fritos
well
i guess the answer to that is
me
i'll be the one eating veggies as snacks all summer long
not that i won't have a double cheeseburger
with some of jen's chili on top of it every once in a while
(my stomach just said "ummmm yes please")
geez
i'm not dead
but the majority of what i eat will be healthy
(i think i'm saying this more for my benefit
i will eat healthy
i will eat healthy
i will eat healthy)

in just a week of eating SO much better
and running
and getting off my fat ass
and doing stuff
i feel so much better
i don't think i could say it enough
i feel AMAZING

HK is finally home
a week of her gone felt like a month
she's going to the grocery today
i wonder what she's bringing home for this week...
 

a concert

week one
DONE
this morning's run was great
i mean
GREAT
first of all
i woke up in a great mood
my body wasn't sore
i was ready for the world
second of all
there was a thumbnail moon hanging low
and i got to watch the very beginnings of the sunrise
which we all know
i love
my lungs cooperated
my legs didn't give out
my music kept me going

if you live in the daycrest neighborhood in northern garrard county
where i run
i hope you enjoyed my version of
missy elliott's gossip folks
this morning
i can't say for sure
but i think i was singing it
out loud
i tried to keep it quiet
but sometimes
when the music's in ya
ya gotta let it out
if you missed it
i'll be back on monday
same bat time
i have a feeling i will be singing along to
pink's raise your glass
and
if 5:30 in the am is too early
check by my house in the evenings
tina turner and i perform
what's love got to do with it
while i mow the grass

no running for the weekend
i'm done until monday
when it's
90 seconds of running
2 minutes of walking
for a total of 20 minutes
looking forward to this next step

and with heather coming home this weekend
i'll hopefully have more food type stuffs to talk about
trying new recipes and such

avocados

i have absolutely no idea why
but avocados have become my new obsession
i eat them on
EVERYTHING
my new favorite lunch is
a whole wheat organicy kinda tortilla
avocado
mater
carrot straw things
vegan cheese type things
i know
it's not cheese if it's vegan
it's not vegan if it's cheese
honestly
i'm not sure exactly what it is
some sort of cheese flavored soy organic vegan thing
either way
it's good
so i've had that for lunch
and these

according to the label they are don't have anything in them
they are free of this
and free of that
but damn they taste good
i venture to say that they
might possibly be
the best pretzels i've ever had
nah
but they are pretty good
but i even eat avocados with these too
i made a grilled cheese
ok ok
a grilled cheese flavored soy organic vegan thing sandwich
the other night
with avocados on the sandwich
i guess there are worse things to be addicted to
but if this keeps up
i might need to go on intervention
imagine writing that letter

dear jess,

your addiction to avocados has affected me in the following ways:
the fridge is full of green/brown snot looking things
it looks like you are eating slime from nickelodeon

do they even still do that
i don't know

no running for me today
but tomorrow morning
tomorrow morning i run
and oddly enough
i can't wait
i am so excited to get back out there and run
that even sounds weird writing it

smoking's stupid...

today i finished
week 1
day 2
of couch to 5k
i thought it would be hard on my knees
or my back
or my ankles
but nope
it was my lungs
my lungs are revolting
i quit smoking january 1st
but after smoking for more than half of my life
god that's a long time
thought i was going to throw up at one point
but i made it
i finished
i had to slow down towards the end
but i still did it
but the whole time i thought
sure wish i would have listened to my parents
who smoked
so when you are 16 and the people who are lecturing you
are smoking
well - it doesn't quite mean as much
sure wish i would have listened to my coaches
but who could take big bill matros seriously
when he smelled like cough drops
and spit when he talked
sure wish i realized that
i sure as hell didn't know everything at that age
but luckily i quit
hopefully my body will recover
hopefully my lungs will forgive me


here are my parents
in high school
a long long long time ago
their love
well
it was awesome

on august 3rd
it will be 10 years since my mom died

on august 5th
it will be one year since my dad died


both from cancer
both related to smoking
smoking is stupid

so here i am
that person
nobody will probably listen to me
i probably won't change anybody's minds
or habits
but i'm still here
and i'm still saying it
don't smoke
if you smoke
quit
now

for now
i'm just hoping my lungs will forgive me
and let me breath again
and realize that
i'm sorry for everything i put them through
but we'll get through this
me
and
my
lungs
together...

some music...

with this couch to 5k program
you run in intervals
like week one is
run 60 seconds
walk 90 seconds
for a 20 minute period
so in order not to watch the clock the whole time
which i DON'T want to do
you need some sort of verbal cues
and i know that i need music when i run
if not
i get stuck in my own head
and bad things happen
anyway
i've been searching around the interwebs for the perfect combo
music that doesn't suck
isn't techno
up beat
makes me feel good
with cues as to when to switch from running to walking
i think i found it here
music
first of all
her website is
kissmyblackass
how could i not already love it
i downloaded week one
brittney (my assistant who is doing this as well)
went nuts and wanted to know where to get it
so i thought i would share it
i know that some of my fb
and real life friends are doing this
and thought it might help them out

i had today off
and am really looking forward to running again tomorrow
my legs are a little stiff today
but i figured they would be
but i still feel amazing
and am looking forward to each day

and so it begins...

so here's the deal
starting to run
starting to eat better
NO
i'm not going vegan
i would like to try to eat more of a vegan diet
more veggies
less crap
YES
i do know that
cows are not part of a vegan diet
but i will be eating them
trust me on that
i'm just trying to eat healthier
so please don't jump to conclusions when i say
VEGAN
in my best jerry seinfeld voice
"not that there's anything wrong with that"

 peep this pic from many many moons ago

to be young and skinny again
while i am aware that i will never look like i did in this pic
i will definitely feel like i did in this pic

i will be posting and updating about my journey
from the couch to running a 5k
which
BTDUBS
i have already signed up to run a 5k on july 21st
so i weighed myself this morning
and
started my journey
i will not be posting my weight on here
not because i'm ashamed
i learned a long time ago
to never be ashamed of who i am
but because i don't think that this journey is about weight
this is about being healthy
feeling comfortable in my own skin
sticking around for a really long time
just feeling better about life overall

so this morning
i woke up at dark:30
got dressed
ran/walked in the rain
by the end of it
i was tired
not gonna lie
but i stuck it out
i made it through my first run/walk
legs are a little tight and sore
as i move around the office today
but i expected that
but let me tell you
I
FEEL
AWESOME
just taking this first step to a healthier me
and when heather gets home
i am going to count on her to help me with
healthy eating options
she's better at the researching part
and i'm better at the cooking part
pretty good team if you ask me

so watch out world
here comes big Rhonda!!!