11 days

dear fallon jade

we never officially met,
although you have been on my mind
for the past 12 days…
i fell asleep last night,
like i’m sure so many others did,
with tears in my eyes
thinking about how hard you fought
to stay here…
thinking about your mommy and daddy…
thinking about avery and harper…
i woke up this morning with you
on my mind…

i’m not really sure what i believe
as far as where we go when we die…
i’d like to think that you are in the arms
of family and friends that have gone before you…
maybe a great grandfather
or a great great great aunt…
maybe you are curled up in front of a fire
with a dog your dad had as a child…
maybe you are watching the giants
FINALLY win this season…
did you have something to do with that???

during your short time here
you affected a lot of people…
all over the place…
including me…
although we haven’t met,
yet,
i’ll carry your memory with me forever…
with the hope that one day we'll be able to meet
and we'll have all the time in the world...
because 11 days was just not long enough...

another trip around

it's easy to get caught up in the
day to day of our lives...
work
school
friends
kids
parents
whatever it is...

it's also easy to sit and think
about what we don't have...
i know i've become victim to it...
there are certain days,
like yesterday,
that could have crippled me...
if i let it...

on the way to the pub yesterday,
for my birthday eve beer,
i couldn't help but think of
my parents...
and how i miss them...
how i'll never hear the story of
me being born
in my dad's voice again...
how i'll never see my mom
standing beside him smiling
as he stands up to act out the
"drunken paying of the nun"...
and that sucks...
but you know what???
i can't change that...
so i've decided that
rather than focusing on what i don't have
all my attention will be on what
i do have...

like the BGE who sends me selfies from the target bathroom...
sorry hk... :)

fall ball y'all...  with the birthday boy under the lights...

batman...  protecting the world from evil with his most awesome hair...

superman...  he'll protect the world tomorrow...  right now he's tired...

family...  not really sure how only my head is in this pic...  i do have legs...  i swear...

and that was all just yesterday...
today is yet another awesome day and
there's so much more that i'm thankful for...

warrior dash

so i did the warrior dash on saturday...

driving in

super jess

pre dash warriors

pre mud pit of death

mud bath with the dusings

mud pit

under the barbed wire

oh my god i'm gonna die

super jess down

would not have made it without matt, brad and amy

kiki was a beast

the dusings

cargo net bruise saturday

cargo net bruise monday

i knew going in

that i wasn't going to be able to complete

all of the obstacles...

but i told myself that i would make

that decision when i got to them...

i didn't want to talk myself out of anything

before i even saw it...

i didn't do the great warrior wall

or

the giant cliffhanger...

which were wall climbs with ropes...

i know i don't have the upper body 

for that...

i watched amy do the giant cliffhanger,

which is a slanted wall climb

with a rope

and slats for your feet that were 

probably about 5 feet apart...

up one side

and

down the other...

muddy...

she was a beast 

and i was so proud of her...

i also didn't do the mud mounds...

it was the fourth obstacle...

i knew that climbing over those

mounds of mud

and carrying all that mud 

on me and my clothes

for the rest of the dash

would wear me down too quickly...

i made it only halfway across

the sideways cargo net...

i caught my arm right before

i fell and 

that's where the lovely

bruise above came from...

i was feeling a little down

about myself at that point...

feeling like i wasn't doing

everything as well as i thought

i could...

or should...

but brad came back to get me saying,

halfway's better than not at all...

and with a little fist bump

we were back on the trail...

couple more obstacles...

and then here comes

the end... 

muddy mayhem...

or

as i like to refer to it

the mud pit of death...

jumping in was kind of fun...

a big mud bath...

crawling hands and knees

through soupy nasty muddiness...

the farther i got

the thicker the mud got...

almost a peanut butter consistency...

and i understood how people die in quicksand...

this was the part where i was

physically exhausted...

but i didn't give up...

i couldn't give up...

this part,

this mud,

this was the hardest part of the

whole thing...

but i dug deep

and with a little help from the dusings

and hearing my hk cheering for me,

i made it up and out...

i crossed the finish line...

got my medal...

and collapsed...

it was absolutely

the hardest 

most physically 

challenging thing

i have ever done in my life...

and as i was complaining to 

my friend tyler about it

he said to me,

"that's why you did it"...

and he was right...

i challenged myself...

and even though i didn't do as

well as i wanted to do,

i did it...

it was definitely an experience

i'll never forget and i'm

glad i did it...

but i'm not sure if i'll do it again...

stay tuned for the story of

having to strip down in the parking lot

and

hosing off naked in the backyard...

listen

i was supposed to go to the gym this morning...

i didn't make it

and here's why,

in my own

roundabout way...

most mornings

when that alarm goes off

my body is up and ready to go...

but my mind???

well that's another story...

my mind tells me

to pull the covers over my head...

to cuddle up to hk...

just go back to sleep...

but eventually my body wins...

my body talks my mind

into dragging my sorry ass

out of bed

and into the gym...

and my mind is thankful

for it... 

eventually...

but this morning

my body revolted...

my mind was ready...

but my body was not...

i was sore...

i was stiff...

i did some strength training monday...

i ran 36 minutes straight tuesday...

i did a 50 minute spin class wednesday...

i did even more intense strength training thursday...

my body said

"aw hell no"

and if I have learned anything

during this evolution,

it's that you 

MUST

listen to your body...

so i got an extra

hour and a half of sleep...

and my body is thankful

that i listened to my mind...

they sometimes disagree,

my mind and body...

but when push comes to shove,

they know what's right...

i just need to listen to the right one...

accomplishment

today

i stood flat footed

knees locked

bent at the waist

and

touched my toes...

may not seem like much,

but to me,

it was pretty darn awesome...

inspiration

even though she didn't have to work

hk got up at 4:45 and went to the

gym with me on monday morning...

even though she didn't have to work

hk got up at 5:20 and went to the 

gym with me on tuesday morning...

and this morning...

well,

here's what happened...

i was going to get up at 4:45 

and go to the gym for a spin class...

hk was going to go to the gym

at some point today...

in the middle of the night

it came a gally gap slinger...

not really sure where this

term came from, but

i heard someone say it once

about a really bad storm...

lightning

thunder

wind

it was a big one...

and let's just say

thunder shirts were

no match for this storm...

pete and maddie were 

not happy campers...

so there was not a lot of

sleep happening...

when my alarm went off

at 4:45

i said,

"awww hell no"

and reset it for 6:00...

telling myself i'll go to the

5:30 spin class tonight...

alarm goes off at 6...

i wake heather up and tell

her i'm not going to the gym

and that it's 6 and not 4:45...

shower and all that jazz...

while i'm getting dressed in 

the other room

and packing my gym back

for tonight's class,

i'm thinking to myself

what if i just accidentally 

forget my gym shoes and

then i can't go to the gym tonight???

no shoes???

no gym...

i'm trying to talk myself 

out of the gym...

i want to come home...

i want to sit on the couch...

i want to rest...

that's when i hear hk get up...

she's getting herself ready to

go to the gym...

on her day off...

again...

well if

heather anne kimberling

is getting up at the 

butt crack of dawn

to go to the gym by herself

i'm triple checking my

gym bag to make sure

i've got everything i need

because i'm hitting that spin class

and i'm hitting it hard...

so

thanks hk...

i won't get mushy here,

even though you know i want to...

i'll just leave it at that...

super jess

i started this whole thing,
this journey of a better me,
right about the time
this fuzzy headed goofball
came back into my life:

i’ve started

and stopped...

and started again

and gone backwards

more times than i can count…

i've been motivated

and positive...

and lazy 

and negative...

but the one thing i have not done,

and will never do,

is give up...

a couple of months ago,

a facebook friend posted this:

and i wrote it out

on a piece of paper

and it's taped up in my bathroom...

a constant reminder that

life is evolution...

i'm not who i want to be

but i'm sure not who i was...

i haven't smoked a cigarette in

565 days...

i don't drink 5-7 days a week

like i used to...

i don't eat fast food...

if at all possible i eat organic...

this past sunday was the last day

i ate meat...

this morning i did this:

the warrior dash is just

around the corner...

here's my shirt

hk found this awesome blog

that has inspired me...

if she can do this:

then maybe,

just maybe

i can get back to this:

awesome

amazing

wonderful

life changing

things are happening right now...

not to me

but because of me...

man

life is good!!!

reminders

every once in a while

i get a reminder

from the universe

that i am exactly where i am supposed to be...

that i am on the right path...

and that it hasn't forgotten about me...

today

i got one...

while driving home,

down that long stretch of 27

i noticed how beautiful it was...

green grass...

blue sky...

white clouds...

the clouds...

see them all the time...

but for some reason today

i started really

looking...

looking for things...

for shapes...

for faces...

so i grabbed my phone

and just started snapping pictures...

not really able to see

what i was photographing...

and then i start daydreaming...

about all kinds of things...

and before i know it 

i'm home...

gotta feed the dogs...

start laundry...

take a shower...

clean the kitchen...

feed myself...

and as i sit at the kitchen table,

i grab my phone,

and go to my TED app...

(thanks lac...)

and here's the new ted talk for today

cloudy with a chance of joy...

watch it...

do it...

and that's when i remember

the pictures i took...

(i do this a lot,

take pictures while driving

to or from work

or home)

so let's take a look

and see what we got...

the rest were either
of my fingers
or pure sunlight...

i love daydreaming...

bath beads

our house in texas had
the biggest bathroom i had seen...
we moved in when i was 10...
it had two sinks...
TWO SINKS!!!
i mean
two sinks - we had to be rich...
big garden tub...
stand up shower with a glass door...
it was fabulous...
i'm sure that it's really a lot smaller
than my memories,
but in my head it will always be
bigger than life...
a place that my dad would tend
to my skinned knees...
where i would take bath in that
big garden tub
with as many bubbles as it would hold...

remember bath beads???
little beads filled with a luxurious oil...
throw them in your hot bath water
and
relax...
she had them in all different
colors and scents...
in glass jars
setting around the tub...
for all different reasons...
she loved her bath...
she loved her bath beads...

i had lost her...
lost her voice...
lost her touch...
all i had left were pictures...
and stories...

but last night
i found her again...
rather,
she found me...
while in a full team meeting at work...
a new bottle of something or other for the hair ...
passed around from person to person...
a small pump on the back of my hand...
rubbed in...
the scent making it's way to my nose...
then there she was...
i was 10 again...
standing in the hallway of our
house in texas...
my mom was walking past me
right after having a bath...
i could smell her
and
she was beside me once again...

night before surgery

i don't want to poop anymore...

game plan

here's the long version:

surgery is scheduled for

thursday at 11...

but prep started tonight...

johnny, hk and i

hit golden corral...

and i mean

hit it hard...

for two reasons...

for the past couple days

hk and i have been eating like crap...

and after surgery

it is back on with the 

actual "good for you foods"

so we had to have one last

hoorah...

and here's what i get to eat tomorrow

in preparation for surgery...

water

broth

jello

and magnesium citrate...

yup...

laxative...

i have to do the all important

bowel prep...

but don't worry,

it says on the label that it has

a pleasing lemony flavor...

sha - doubt it...

so,

not really looking forward to tomorrow...

for those of you that really know me,

you know how hateful i will be

tomorrow night after eating

jello all day...

and pooping all day...

i may or not blog tomorrow night...

if i do,

i'm scared

that it might just end up being

a list of expletives...

but things could always be worse

and i'm not really complaining...

honest...

life is good...

and here's the short version:

pre admission testing 

wednesday 8:30am...

report to hospital 

thursday 9:00am...

surgery

thursday 11:00am...

either way i write it:

life is good...

step one

here's what we know...
surgery is scheduled for
thursday april 25th...
open hysterectomy
which means i'm getting the
full cut...
blerg...
full hysterectomy...
lymph node dissection...
take out part of the omentum...
yeah - i don't know what that is either...
getting ready to do
research on that...
take a look around for
wicker furniture...
i'll be in the hospital
until probably saturday...
and then
6-8 week recovery time...
we'll know more about possible
follow up treatments,
chemo and radiation,
after surgery...
he did say that the
numbers were in
my favor...
i knew math and numbers
were my friend :)
and we'll talk about
hormone replacement therapy
after all that...

if you want a little more
detail about my first
meeting with dr elvis -
keep scrolling...
you may or may not
really want to...


so we met with the
nurse practitioner first...
all the regular
medical questions
and junk like that...
she leaves to get
dr elvis...
i take my pants off...
they both come back in...
regular gyno exam...
blah blah blah...
but then...
then he says...
"ok gonna do a quick rectal exam"
and he barely even hit on that
"M"
and
boom goes the dynamite...
no flowers...
no dinner...
no nothing...
i guess the element of surprise
is his closest ally on that one...

so that's step one...

my name is jess and i have cancer

i wrote this sunday night
while enjoying a beer with my dad...

on friday
i sat in an
uncomfortable chair while
a middle aged man said
"you have cancer"...
not cool man...
my heart,
my stomach,
my everything,
it all dropped to my feet...
i have never felt so
alone...
so far away from
everything
and
everyone
i know and love...

i don't think it
really hit me,
i mean
REALLY
hit me until this morning...
getting ready for lunch
with johnny...
and all i kept thinking
was
"i have cancer"
even at it's
simplest level...
even though it was
caught early...
that man still said it...
damnit...

have you ever said
the same word
or phrase
over and over and over
again???
until it sounded
like nonsense???
say water 20 times...
by 19 or 20
it sounds like
a made up word...
nonsense...
i thought if
i kept repeating it,
i have cancer
i have cancer
i have cancer,
that it would
become nonsense...
it would become
made up...
but all it did
was make it
more
real...
standing in the bathroom,
looking myself
square in the eye,
saying it
over and over and over
again...
this is real...

my name is jess
and
i have cancer...

for now...

the 'c' word

no...
not that one...

on friday 3/29
i had surgery to remove a cyst from
one of my ovaries and do
an ablation...
he ended up removing that ovary
and part of my fallopian tubes...
he found some growth on my other ovary
that he pulled for a biopsy and a
polyp that he pulled for a biopsy
as well...
test results yesterday show that
i have a pre-cancerous tumor on
my remaining ovary and the beginnings
of endometrial uterine cancer...
he has referred me to a new doctor...
named elvis :)
hk and i meet him
monday 4/15
to set a game plan
and schedule a hysterectomy...
while he's in there he'll
take a look around to see
if anything else looks weird and see if
we need to biopsy anything else...
my ob/gyn thinks that we caught it
early enough that i should be fine...
might need radiation,
maybe chemo,
but we'll know more later
after meeting elvis...

so that's what's up...
i'll be sure to keep blogging
and keep everyone up to date...

i know i'll be just fine,
i am jess
and i am awesome!!!

facebook "friends"

all of my facebook

"friends"

are people that i would actually be real

friends with in real life...

i've completely blocked one person...

i've hidden a few people from

showing up on my news feed

because i just don't care about what they 

constantly post about

but i still want to be able to keep up

with them, just on my own time...

i've de-friended,

(or is it un-friended???)

one person, only

to become friends with them

again at a later date...

just like in real life...

this morning on my way into work

i started thinking about all this talk

about gay marriage...

all the red hrc logos all over my 

facebook feed...

and i smiled because

MY facebook feed had stayed positive...

MY facebook feed was full of red

and support

and love...

sure, there's negativity out there...

but not on MY facebook feed...

it was on links and blogs and comments on

other pages...

but MY facebook feed was positive...

and that made my heart smile,

because i have awesome

friends and family...

but just a few moments ago

i saw where a "friend" posted something

negative about gay marriage...

hiding behind their bible...

stating that god said same sex marriage is wrong...

i de/un-friended them immediately...

if you don't think that i have the same rights

as you, if i'm a lesser citizen of this country

because of who i love, then i don't want to

be friends with you... 

on the interwebs or in real life...

so if you think that heather and i

shouldn't ever have the right to be married

STOP READING NOW!!!

go de/un-friend me on facebook

and let's go our separate ways...

we don't want your kind around here...

are they gone???

i just want deserve what everybody else wants deserves...

the same rights...

no less...

no more...

one day heather and i will get married...

i don't know when...

but it will happen...

and when it does

we will want deserve the same rights as my parents had...

i mean seriously???

how is this still an issue???

oh those silly gays

big stuff happening for the gay community...

win or lose

it's a big day...

i can't believe all the red all over facebook...

i can't believe all of the supportive posts

and pictures

and comments...

i am simply amazed...

not that my friends and family

are that supportive...

but that i'm lucky enough to call 

these people friends and family...

old friends and new friends...

aunts and uncles...

cousins and second cousins...

step sisters and step brothers in law...

dogs and cats...

friends that are family

and

family that are friends...

i would like to send out a 

very very very big,

from the bottom of my heart,

makes me smile from ear to ear,

thanks...

people have been kicked out of homes...

lost their entire families...

been beaten...

been killed...

over something so stupid as

who they love...

aren't there more important things to

worry about than

who i kiss goodnight???

i think about when i first came out

and the love and support

and the

"sha whatever...  like we didn't know???" response

i got from my parents 

and i just have to be so thankful for that...

so thankful that i never had to hide who i was 

around my family...

thankful that the

"kids" in my family

all grew up around me

and i never had to hide who i was 

or who i loved...

and i think they all turned out pretty ok...

and i see those same "kids"

changing their profile pictures

to the red hrc logo...

and i know

that's another generation growing up

to be just as awesome as their parents are...

and raising their kids to

be just as awesome as they are

and to be more concerned with

the more important things in life...

and that,

my friends,

warms my heart and makes me 

happier than you can ever imagine...

so to all those people in my life

that couldn't care less that

i'm a lesbian -

i thank you...

the shamrock shuffle

as stated in a previous blog,

new days,

i changed things up this year for

st pat's day...

i ran the shamrock shuffle,

which was my first

official race...

i have to admit that i was a little nervous...

for a few reasons...

i have never participated in a race like this before...

i wasn't sure how fast or slow i would run it...

i didn't want to let myself down...

i started the race at the back of the pack,

just in front of the

walkers and shufflers...

my adrenaline was pumping

and i had to make myself slow down...

i was just so excited that i got ahead of myself...

so i slowed down and found my own pace...

about halfway through the race i thought to myself

"what have i gotten myself into???"

but as the finish line came in to view

i was able to pick up my pace

and i finished as fast as my legs would go...

i finished right about the middle of the pack

and beat the time i had in my head...

by a lot...

my hk and lac were there at the finish line

to greet me with,

what else,

doughnuts...

mmmmm doughnuts

celebratory doughnut

because how else would we celebrate

reaching a goal of mine???

oh that's right...

beer...

celebratory beer

thanks to hk and lac
for being there at the finish line...
i've never been more proud of myself
than i was at that moment
and i'm glad you were there
to share with me...

and now it's on to my first 5k...
kiki and i will be running the
color in motion
on may 11th...
just in time for mother's day...

cottage cheese

i used to watch my mom eat cottage cheese..
i was thoroughly disgusted by it...
maybe it was because she put ketchup in it
and
it looked like a big pink globby mess...
but now,
now i love it...

that is all...

i had a dream

this is my dream from this morning...
it's kinda long
but stick with me...

standing in grandpa maher's kitchen
with the whole family around...
making drinks...
aunt steph tries nicole's
and likes it...
i try nicole's
and like it...
we decide that since
aunt steph and i both like it
we should probably make a run
to the liquor store...
half of us stay
the other half go to the store...
grandpa is rearranging furniture
and making the space in the kitchen for us
smaller and smaller and smaller
but thinks he's helping...
then we are magically outside...
it feels like the pegg's side yard
but it doesn't look like it...
now i have entered some sort
of hunger games kind of thing
with my family members...
i don't recognize any of them
but they feel like family...
i'm in an alliance of 4(including me)...
i aim my gun across the field...
it's an OLD gun...
reminds me of the guns the snipers
used in band of brothers...
when i look through the scope
i'm not in a field any more
it's new york city
and the guy i'm trying to shoot
is across the street
but i would have to shoot him through
the taxi's window
and the guy keeps dancing in the back
and i can't get a good shot...
i remember thinking
i can't believe they let us loose in
new york city with guns
just for fun...
when i lower the gun
i'm back in the field
and someone else shoots the guy
i was trying to shoot...
then two of the guys with me get shot...
so it's just me
and one other guy left...
we take off for the house...
we end up on the very top floor of the house...
which is a floor that doesn't exist in real life
(but i feel like i've had dreams about it before)
and we are super relaxed
and talking about ordering a pizza
when i hear the dogs start barking...
so i run to the back door
and try to lock it but
two guys who are trying to kill us get in...
they shoot the guy i'm with
and i drop down to the floor
and i'm sitting indian style in the corner...
next to a mop bucket
a mop
a broom
and some old shoes
and these guys are standing behind me
with a gun to my head...
all i can think about is
when they shoot me
how am i going to fall...
i don't want to fall into all this stuff
and have it go everywhere...
they fire the gun once...
nothing happens...
they rub alcohol on a part of my head
and put the gun to it again...
fire again...
nothing happens...
they rub alcohol on another part of my head
and put the gun to it again...
fire again...
nothing happens...
loud noises at the front door
and they leave me to go investigate...
i escape out the back door...
down a series
of wooden logs that are stacked up
and leaned up against the side of the house...
make my way to the front porch...
run like hell down
the driveway and to the left
heading for the woods...
as i come up over a hill
i see a whole group of my cousins
(still don't know who they are)
coming towards me...
i turn back and all of a sudden
i'm back at the front porch
and there's a huge bonfire...
my uncle tim
(i don't have an uncle tim, but that's what i called him)
throws buckets of water on the fire
creating steam and hissing sounds
and he declares the games are over...
uncle tim and i start arguing
about the morality of these games...
he grabs a shovel...
i grab a rake...
and we start sword fighting with them...
then he turns into his wife...
don't know her name
but still - not really anybody i know...
so her and i start sword fighting...
then the handles break
and i start punching her in the face...
and then she turns into neve campbell...
that's right -
neve campbell...
the oldest sister from party of five
at least that's how i know her...
then i woke up...

ummm
yeah
so
that was my dream this morning and the start to my day...

here's hoping you had sweet dreams about
butterflies
unicorns
and rainbows...

wordless wednesday

new days

dad and i did a lot of stuff together...

we went to the  

uk women's basketball games 

and that led

to going to the pub before those games

and that led to all day at the pub

for st patty's day...

after he died

i wasn't sure if i would be able to

do either of them without him...

walking into memorial coliseum for the first game 

without him

was terrible...

it felt like someone punched me in the gut...

but i had my friends surrounding me...

walking into the pub st patty's morning

without him

was terrible...

it felt like someone punched me in the gut...

but i had my friends and new family surrounding me...

and i made it through both days...

but i learned something very important on 

those days...

uk women's basketball games

and 

st patty's day at the pub

have nothing to do with 

uk women's basketball games

and

st patty's day at the pub...

the only thing that mattered on those

days was the time i spent with my dad...

surrounded by hundreds

sometimes even thousands of people

dad and i found the time to bond

just him and i...

but now

it's just not the same...

so i don't go to the

uk women's basketball games...

and i won't be doing the all day

st patty's day celebration at the pub...

i just registered to run a 3K

on saturday the 16th...

and i'll be at the pub that evening

and probably late into the night...

but i won't be there all day...

and i won't be there on the 17th...

but rest assured that dad

will be watching over all the festivities...

push ups

push ups

a haiku

by jesse

push ups are stupid

but i do them anyway

even though they suck

the OTHER f bomb

**********F BOMB WARNING**********

i made this
butternut squash chili
on sunday...
it was the second time i have made it
and it seems like this time was better...
and for those "friends" fans out there
yes
i do call it squaternut bosh
quite a bit...

not my pic...
but mine looks about the same...
i haven't made mine in the crock pot yet...
i slow cook it on the stove top...
don't like onions???
don't put them in...
really like corn???
toss some in there...
i think you can pretty much add
or subtract
any kind of veggie you like
or don't like...
but i do have to warn you -
be careful of how many beans you add...
especially if you are going to the gym the next day...
yes...
i did it...
i farted while doing crunches this morning...
it just kind of happened...
crunches put a lot of strain on your
well
ummmmmm...
luckily there was only one woman in the vicinity
and she had her ipod on...
but
let this be a warning to you:
a) easy on the beans
b) stay away from me at the gym

oranges

when hk and i first got together
and she was trying to get me to be healthier
she asked what kind of fruit i ate...
oranges...
well,
orange slices in my hoegaarden
at the pub...
she asked what else...
wasn't that enough???
she asked about oranges at work for a snack...
nope...
i don't have time for that...
all the peeling and stuff...
but you know what -
i sure had plenty of time to
wrap myself up
and go outside
when it was no degrees
and smoke a cigarette multiple times a day...
so my morning snack is now an orange...
sometimes it's an apple
but usually an orange...

and now my office smells like oranges
and not
old cigarettes...
it's amazing what we have time for when we want to...

it's what i do

i love you

there is no better way to put it

no magical words

that mean more than these three

you have asked me why i love you

and i have no answer for that

i love you because that’s all i know how to do

i wake up in the morning

knowing that i love you

i go through my day

knowing that i love you

i lay my head down at night

knowing that i love you

i may doubt everything else

but never my love for you

never my love for us

and i want you to know

that because of my love

for you

for us

i am finally able to fully love myself

and there are NO words that can express

the way that makes me feel

i love you

ps: this is written in the font “huxtable” 

stress dreams and gut punches

i feel like i've already written about the dream part,
but you'll get it again
and you'll like it...

you know that stress dream
that's always referred to in movies or tv???
the one where you show up to school
or work
naked???
my stress dream is always
that i show up to school,
always westhampton beach high school,
and i can't remember my locker combination...
and i have to go to the office
and get someone to help me...
and it's always the janitor
from my elementary school
in texas that helps me...
i haven't had a locker for anything since
my high school days...
so now that i'm a gym member,
that just sounds weird,
i have a lock that i take with me
so that i can put all my important
belongings in a locker while i'm there...
you know - my phone and gum...
anyway...
there i sit talking with the trainer yesterday
and all i can think of is my lock combination...
O
M
G
my stress dream is going to play itself out in real life...
the first time i've been in this gym
and i'm gonna need the janitor from
my elementary school to cut the lock off...
i just keep repeating the combo in my head...
i'm great with numbers but
i'm so afraid that i'll forget...
and then there's another number in front of me...
43%...
jason,
little trainer boy,
has just measured by body fat...
holy crap on a cracker...
did someone just punch me???
it's bad...
it's real bad...
i knew...
how could i not...
that's why i'm here...
but to see it defined by a number...
in black and white...
while some cute boy looks at me
and says - yeah we gotta fix that...
well...
IT
IS
ON

it must be my new socks...

"necessity is the mother of invention"

i have reinvented myself many times
over my 36 years...
nothing dramatic...
just moving from michigan
to texas
to new york
to cleveland
to morehead
back to cleveland
back to new york
to lexington -
where i've lived
in or around
since i was 19...
holy cow
i've lived here for almost half of my life!!!
anyway
like i said
nothing dramatic...
just the adjustment
to a different culture...
and here i am again...
knocking on that door...
for the past year and a half
i've been straddling that line...
old jess on one side
new jess on the other
teetering back and forth...
but recently i've come to the conclusion
that it's time for me to pick a side...
old or new???
which one do you think i've chosen???
here's some hints:
i ate a salad for lunch
and have a bag full of fruit at work...
i went to a party last night
and didn't drink
and was home and in bed by 9:30...
i am the proud owner of a
brand new gym membership...
i have a meeting with a trainer this
afternoon to help get me on my way...
but the best part of all of this
is that i'm excited about every step of the way...
don't get me wrong -
i love the old jess...
the old jess was easy...
if i could make it through the day
i was rewarded with beers
oh - lots and lots of beers...
and fried stuff with cheese...
and pizza rolls...
and anything else you can possibly think of...
the old jess was fun...
i was ALWAYS down for a night
or day
of drinking and eating all of the above...
work
drink
eat
sleep
lather
rinse
repeat
life is easy when you don't challenge yourself to be
any better than you were when you woke up...
well
i'm done with easy...
i want to be better...
for hk...
for our families...
for all those sweet little loves
that i want to watch grow up...
and actually be a part of it...
but most of all for me...
i've stalled out...
right where i am right now...
but now
now it's on!!!

a friday night

instead of
hand stamps from clubs
and
waffle house menus
at 3 am

it's now
hand stamps from the
kentucky school for the deaf
girl's basketball game
and
o'charley's menus
at 9 pm...

and i wouldn't change it
for anything...