the dress...

hk: “what took you so long to turn around after i tapped you on your shoulder?”
me: “i had to catch my breath.”

sitting

waiting
staring at my brother
bored
wishing i had brought a deck of cards
then all of a sudden

“she’s ready!”
“where’s jess?”
“she wants you at the bar, drinking a beer.”

“thank god – i at least get to have a beer.”
i ordered the first beer i saw behind the bar
“sam adams boston lager please.”
“is this where i need to be?”
“right here?”
“is this good?”
standing with my back to the end of the bar,
looking up at some random basketball game on the tv.
i had to stop myself from downing my beer in one big gulp.

it gets quiet behind me.
my heart starts pounding.
i hear shuffling of feet.
my palms are sweaty.
it gets quiet behind me again.

my hands are shaking.
don’t drop the beer.
just wait,
she’ll come to you.

i can’t breathe.
don’t pass out .
just wait,
she’ll come to you.

my legs are wobbly.
don’t fall.
just wait,
she’ll come to you.

just wait,
she’ll come to you.

tap
tap
tap
on my shoulder.

quiet.

i close my eyes.
breathe in slowly.
breathe out slowly.
open my eyes.
breathe in slowly.
breathe out slowly.

set the beer on the bar.
don’t drop it.

talk my feet into working to turn around.
don’t fall.

one last breath in.
one last breath out.

i see my bride in her dress for the first time.
i think i might have blacked out for a quick second.

“can i touch you?”
that’s really all i remember saying.
i was overwhelmed with emotion.
words were there
in my brain,
swirling around,
bumping into each other.
but i couldn’t make sense of any of them.
all those people around us but
in this moment
hk and i were the only people on earth.

i’ve never stood so close
to so much beauty.
is this real life?
is this my wife?
i’d built this moment up in my head
and in my heart
and then,

i just waited
and she came to me.
in her magic dress…

11 days

dear fallon jade

we never officially met,
although you have been on my mind
for the past 12 days…
i fell asleep last night,
like i’m sure so many others did,
with tears in my eyes
thinking about how hard you fought
to stay here…
thinking about your mommy and daddy…
thinking about avery and harper…
i woke up this morning with you
on my mind…

i’m not really sure what i believe
as far as where we go when we die…
i’d like to think that you are in the arms
of family and friends that have gone before you…
maybe a great grandfather
or a great great great aunt…
maybe you are curled up in front of a fire
with a dog your dad had as a child…
maybe you are watching the giants
FINALLY win this season…
did you have something to do with that???

during your short time here
you affected a lot of people…
all over the place…
including me…
although we haven’t met,
yet,
i’ll carry your memory with me forever…
with the hope that one day we'll be able to meet
and we'll have all the time in the world...
because 11 days was just not long enough...

another trip around

it's easy to get caught up in the
day to day of our lives...
work
school
friends
kids
parents
whatever it is...

it's also easy to sit and think
about what we don't have...
i know i've become victim to it...
there are certain days,
like yesterday,
that could have crippled me...
if i let it...

on the way to the pub yesterday,
for my birthday eve beer,
i couldn't help but think of
my parents...
and how i miss them...
how i'll never hear the story of
me being born
in my dad's voice again...
how i'll never see my mom
standing beside him smiling
as he stands up to act out the
"drunken paying of the nun"...
and that sucks...
but you know what???
i can't change that...
so i've decided that
rather than focusing on what i don't have
all my attention will be on what
i do have...

like the BGE who sends me selfies from the target bathroom...
sorry hk... :)

fall ball y'all...  with the birthday boy under the lights...

batman...  protecting the world from evil with his most awesome hair...

superman...  he'll protect the world tomorrow...  right now he's tired...

family...  not really sure how only my head is in this pic...  i do have legs...  i swear...

and that was all just yesterday...
today is yet another awesome day and
there's so much more that i'm thankful for...

warrior dash

so i did the warrior dash on saturday...

driving in

super jess

pre dash warriors

pre mud pit of death

mud bath with the dusings

mud pit

under the barbed wire

oh my god i'm gonna die

super jess down

would not have made it without matt, brad and amy

kiki was a beast

the dusings

cargo net bruise saturday

cargo net bruise monday

i knew going in

that i wasn't going to be able to complete

all of the obstacles...

but i told myself that i would make

that decision when i got to them...

i didn't want to talk myself out of anything

before i even saw it...

i didn't do the great warrior wall

or

the giant cliffhanger...

which were wall climbs with ropes...

i know i don't have the upper body 

for that...

i watched amy do the giant cliffhanger,

which is a slanted wall climb

with a rope

and slats for your feet that were 

probably about 5 feet apart...

up one side

and

down the other...

muddy...

she was a beast 

and i was so proud of her...

i also didn't do the mud mounds...

it was the fourth obstacle...

i knew that climbing over those

mounds of mud

and carrying all that mud 

on me and my clothes

for the rest of the dash

would wear me down too quickly...

i made it only halfway across

the sideways cargo net...

i caught my arm right before

i fell and 

that's where the lovely

bruise above came from...

i was feeling a little down

about myself at that point...

feeling like i wasn't doing

everything as well as i thought

i could...

or should...

but brad came back to get me saying,

halfway's better than not at all...

and with a little fist bump

we were back on the trail...

couple more obstacles...

and then here comes

the end... 

muddy mayhem...

or

as i like to refer to it

the mud pit of death...

jumping in was kind of fun...

a big mud bath...

crawling hands and knees

through soupy nasty muddiness...

the farther i got

the thicker the mud got...

almost a peanut butter consistency...

and i understood how people die in quicksand...

this was the part where i was

physically exhausted...

but i didn't give up...

i couldn't give up...

this part,

this mud,

this was the hardest part of the

whole thing...

but i dug deep

and with a little help from the dusings

and hearing my hk cheering for me,

i made it up and out...

i crossed the finish line...

got my medal...

and collapsed...

it was absolutely

the hardest 

most physically 

challenging thing

i have ever done in my life...

and as i was complaining to 

my friend tyler about it

he said to me,

"that's why you did it"...

and he was right...

i challenged myself...

and even though i didn't do as

well as i wanted to do,

i did it...

it was definitely an experience

i'll never forget and i'm

glad i did it...

but i'm not sure if i'll do it again...

stay tuned for the story of

having to strip down in the parking lot

and

hosing off naked in the backyard...

listen

i was supposed to go to the gym this morning...

i didn't make it

and here's why,

in my own

roundabout way...

most mornings

when that alarm goes off

my body is up and ready to go...

but my mind???

well that's another story...

my mind tells me

to pull the covers over my head...

to cuddle up to hk...

just go back to sleep...

but eventually my body wins...

my body talks my mind

into dragging my sorry ass

out of bed

and into the gym...

and my mind is thankful

for it... 

eventually...

but this morning

my body revolted...

my mind was ready...

but my body was not...

i was sore...

i was stiff...

i did some strength training monday...

i ran 36 minutes straight tuesday...

i did a 50 minute spin class wednesday...

i did even more intense strength training thursday...

my body said

"aw hell no"

and if I have learned anything

during this evolution,

it's that you 

MUST

listen to your body...

so i got an extra

hour and a half of sleep...

and my body is thankful

that i listened to my mind...

they sometimes disagree,

my mind and body...

but when push comes to shove,

they know what's right...

i just need to listen to the right one...

accomplishment

today

i stood flat footed

knees locked

bent at the waist

and

touched my toes...

may not seem like much,

but to me,

it was pretty darn awesome...

inspiration

even though she didn't have to work

hk got up at 4:45 and went to the

gym with me on monday morning...

even though she didn't have to work

hk got up at 5:20 and went to the 

gym with me on tuesday morning...

and this morning...

well,

here's what happened...

i was going to get up at 4:45 

and go to the gym for a spin class...

hk was going to go to the gym

at some point today...

in the middle of the night

it came a gally gap slinger...

not really sure where this

term came from, but

i heard someone say it once

about a really bad storm...

lightning

thunder

wind

it was a big one...

and let's just say

thunder shirts were

no match for this storm...

pete and maddie were 

not happy campers...

so there was not a lot of

sleep happening...

when my alarm went off

at 4:45

i said,

"awww hell no"

and reset it for 6:00...

telling myself i'll go to the

5:30 spin class tonight...

alarm goes off at 6...

i wake heather up and tell

her i'm not going to the gym

and that it's 6 and not 4:45...

shower and all that jazz...

while i'm getting dressed in 

the other room

and packing my gym back

for tonight's class,

i'm thinking to myself

what if i just accidentally 

forget my gym shoes and

then i can't go to the gym tonight???

no shoes???

no gym...

i'm trying to talk myself 

out of the gym...

i want to come home...

i want to sit on the couch...

i want to rest...

that's when i hear hk get up...

she's getting herself ready to

go to the gym...

on her day off...

again...

well if

heather anne kimberling

is getting up at the 

butt crack of dawn

to go to the gym by herself

i'm triple checking my

gym bag to make sure

i've got everything i need

because i'm hitting that spin class

and i'm hitting it hard...

so

thanks hk...

i won't get mushy here,

even though you know i want to...

i'll just leave it at that...